The Funnel™
Our proprietary, multi-stage evaluation and allocation system designed to ensure every donation passes through a process of unparalleled rigor, scrutiny, and… consistency.
At KrazyCum™, we believe that fairness means every candidate is processed the exact same way, through a carefully maintained, continuously reused...
...standardised...
workflow apparatus.
The Three Stages
Initial Collection
The process begins at the source. All donations are collected in a manner that we can only describe as 'enthusiastically voluntary.' Documentation commences immediately. Forms are pre-filled where possible.
Filtration
Material passes through our proprietary filtration matrix. The criteria for passage are classified, not because they are sensitive, but because committing them to paper created a legal liability we have not yet resolved.
Redistribution
Processed material is allocated according to the matching algorithm. This stage is neutral, impartial, and uninfluenced by anything except the algorithm, which is entirely unbiased except where it isn't.
Maintenance Standards
The Funnel™ is maintained under strict operational guidelines:
Definition of "regularly" varies by quarter, calendar, and philosophical interpretation.
By at least one team member. Sometimes two. Never zero, except when one.
With several interpretations of sanitation across multiple frameworks.
The Funnel™ is a metaphor.
It is also not a metaphor.
The dual nature of The Funnel™ has been reviewed by our legal team and classified as "deliberately ambiguous for compliance purposes." For further clarification, please consult Terms & Conditions, Appendix G ("Funnel Clarifications, Allegedly"). Note that Appendix G itself contains a forward reference to Appendix G, which our legal team found acceptable.