KrazyCum
Currently Accepting Reviews

Candidates

Browse our exclusive catalog of genetic wildcards. Each profile includes a Stability Score™, Volatility Score™, Chance of Survival Past 30, documented life decisions, and reviews from women who have bravely gone before you.

Stability Score™
Highly subjective. Rigorously assigned.
Volatility Score™
Rated low. Also not in a good way.
Survival Past 30
A percentage. A very small one.
Verified Reviews
From women who survived the process.
Schizophrenics

Ziggy "Two Voices" Malenko

Multi-VocalInternally DividedProductive
Stability Score™0.8/10
Volatility Score™1.1/10
Survival Past 3014%
Known For
Providing two distinct donor questionnaires simultaneously, neither of which agreed on his age
Special Skills
Multi-threaded decision making; excellent at arguing with himself to a draw
Client Reviews
★★★☆☆

He confirmed he was interested. Someone else in the same body was not so sure.

- Verified User
★★★★★

Arrived as planned. Left as someone else. Five stars for variety.

- Cautiously Optimistic
All candidate information is verified in some capacity. KrazyCum™ accepts no liability for accuracy, stability, volatility, survival probability, or outcomes. Candidate is legally distanced from responsibility. Very extensively.
Bears

Hank "No Skin" Ericsson

Record HolderCrushingSmiling
Stability Score™2.4/10
Volatility Score™0.9/10
Survival Past 3031%
Known For
Holding the world record for longest single hair cut session; crushing the weak, the strong, and those he loves with equal enthusiasm
Special Skills
Endurance sitting; grip strength (unverified upper limit); an unsettling calm during loud noises
Client Reviews
★★★☆☆

He smiled the whole time. That should have been fine. It was not fine.

- Nervous Client
★★★☆☆

I asked if he was comfortable. He said 'always.' I have not stopped thinking about how he said it.

- Cautious Recipient
All candidate information is verified in some capacity. KrazyCum™ accepts no liability for accuracy, stability, volatility, survival probability, or outcomes. Candidate is legally distanced from responsibility. Very extensively.
Juggalos

Jarvis "Facepaint" McClellan

JuggaloFaygo-PoweredFamily First
Stability Score™1/10
Volatility Score™1.8/10
Survival Past 3018%
Known For
Travelling to The Gathering five consecutive years in an RV with no license plates
Special Skills
Faygo-based hydration; face painting; unwavering family loyalty
Client Reviews
★★★★

He brought his own Faygo to the appointment. I did not ask. I respected it enormously.

- Open-Minded User
★★★★

I asked about hobbies. He said 'the Gathering.' I didn't ask what that was. Four stars.

- Anonymous
All candidate information is verified in some capacity. KrazyCum™ accepts no liability for accuracy, stability, volatility, survival probability, or outcomes. Candidate is legally distanced from responsibility. Very extensively.
T Chicks Who Can Still Shoot

Destiny "Dead Eye" Ramirez

AccurateTransitionedArmed
Stability Score™1.9/10
Volatility Score™2.4/10
Survival Past 3027%
Known For
Maintaining 94% range accuracy throughout every administrative phase of her transition
Special Skills
Marksmanship; tactical patience; understanding bureaucracy better than most people who work in it
Client Reviews
★★★★

I cannot say how she handles pressure. She said 'fine, honestly' and I believed her.

- Verified Recipient
★★★★★

Asked very few questions. Shot everything cleanly. Ideal candidate energy. Five stars.

- Range Supervisor (personal)
All candidate information is verified in some capacity. KrazyCum™ accepts no liability for accuracy, stability, volatility, survival probability, or outcomes. Candidate is legally distanced from responsibility. Very extensively.
NASA Comp Sci Dudes

Dr. Kevin Blumenthal

STEM-CertifiedThoroughNASA-Adjacent
Stability Score™2.2/10
Volatility Score™0.4/10
Survival Past 3029%
Known For
Spending 11 years on a Mars rover project that has since been cancelled for budgetary reasons
Special Skills
Python; orbital mechanics; explaining things at length in situations that do not require it
Client Reviews
★★★★

He sent follow-up documentation in LaTeX. I did not request this. It was thorough.

- Impressed User
★★★☆☆

Referred to the donation process as a 'deployment.' I thought about this for several weeks.

- Anonymous
All candidate information is verified in some capacity. KrazyCum™ accepts no liability for accuracy, stability, volatility, survival probability, or outcomes. Candidate is legally distanced from responsibility. Very extensively.
Autists

Chad "Special Interest" Fenwick

FocusedBinder-PreparedPattern-Aware
Stability Score™1.5/10
Volatility Score™0.7/10
Survival Past 3024%
Known For
Knowing more about locomotive scheduling than anyone currently employed by a railroad
Special Skills
Pattern recognition; uninterrupted focus; recalling every number he has ever encountered
Client Reviews
★★★★★

He brought a binder. It was organised. I was not mentioned in it. I still feel proud.

- Supportive User
★★★★

Did not make eye contact once. Did everything else perfectly. Four and a half, rounded down.

- Realistic Client
All candidate information is verified in some capacity. KrazyCum™ accepts no liability for accuracy, stability, volatility, survival probability, or outcomes. Candidate is legally distanced from responsibility. Very extensively.
Cartel Members

Senor X (Redacted)

RedactedLogistically GiftedEfficient
Stability Score™0.3/10
Volatility Score™2.9/10
Survival Past 303%
Known For
Several things we cannot print; reportedly excellent organisational and supply chain skills
Special Skills
Logistics; relationship management; not asking follow-up questions
Client Reviews
★★★☆☆

He did not give a last name. He explained this was 'for everyone's benefit.' I agreed.

- Pragmatic User
★★★☆☆

Paperwork completed efficiently. I will not elaborate further. Three stars.

- Anonymous (strongly so)
All candidate information is verified in some capacity. KrazyCum™ accepts no liability for accuracy, stability, volatility, survival probability, or outcomes. Candidate is legally distanced from responsibility. Very extensively.
Cartman Lookalikes

"Not Eric" Donnelly

RoundConfidentAllegedly Not a Cartoon
Stability Score™1.2/10
Volatility Score™2.2/10
Survival Past 3017%
Known For
Being told he resembles a cartoon character so often it has fundamentally shaped his worldview
Special Skills
Manipulation; assertive negotiation; surprisingly effective logistics for someone of his build
Client Reviews
★★★★

He said 'whatever, I do what I want' when asked to initial a disclaimer. Then he initialled it.

- Process Advocate
★★★★

Round. Confident. Unaccountably persuasive. I cannot fully explain why I gave four stars.

- Confused Reviewer
All candidate information is verified in some capacity. KrazyCum™ accepts no liability for accuracy, stability, volatility, survival probability, or outcomes. Candidate is legally distanced from responsibility. Very extensively.
Femcels with a Sense of Humor

Patricia "I Know, Right?" Monroe

Self-AwareFunnyCelibate (Allegedly)
Stability Score™2.1/10
Volatility Score™1.5/10
Survival Past 3026%
Known For
Turning every aspect of her involuntary celibacy into a five-star bit with reliable crowd response
Special Skills
Self-awareness; comedic timing; completing paperwork without crying (most of the time)
Client Reviews
★★★★★

She laughed at the application form. I laughed. We both understood something unspoken. Five stars.

- Kindred Spirit
★★★★★

Arrived with material. Left with dignity. I would genuinely recommend her to others.

- Surprisingly Moved
All candidate information is verified in some capacity. KrazyCum™ accepts no liability for accuracy, stability, volatility, survival probability, or outcomes. Candidate is legally distanced from responsibility. Very extensively.

What Our Community Says

He listed 'unpredictable' as a strength. He was not wrong.

- Verified User

I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that. Five stars.

- Returning Client

Legally speaking, I cannot elaborate.

- Anonymous (under advisement)
All reviews are from real people in the fictional sense. They have not been edited for clarity, because they were already maximally unclear.