Longer Than Most Novels

Terms & Conditions

Please read these Terms & Conditions in their entirety. Nobody does, but we appreciate the ambition. By existing on this page, you agree to them.

PreambleThese Terms & Conditions ("Agreement," "The Document," "This Whole Thing") govern your access to and use of KrazyCum™ (the "Platform," "Service," "Questionable Enterprise") and constitute a legally binding agreement between you ("User," "Applicant," "Person Who Scrolled Past the Disclaimer") and KrazyCum™ ("Company," "We," "The Team," "Allegedly Us"). Last updated: Recently enough that it matters.

§1.0

Acknowledgment of Satire

By accessing this platform, you acknowledge that everything presented herein is satire, except when it isn't, hypothetically. The distinction between the two is left as an exercise for the reader and their legal counsel.

§2.0

Waiver of Surprise

You irrevocably waive your right to be surprised by any outcome arising from use of this platform. This includes, but is not limited to: outcomes you expected, outcomes you did not expect, and outcomes that cannot be classified.

§3.0

Donor Description Accuracy

You accept that donor descriptions may be understatements. In some cases, significant understatements. In the case of Tony 'Allegedly' Russo, the descriptions are legally reviewed and still considered conservative.

§4.2.1

Expectation Management Failure

KrazyCum™ accepts no liability for failures of expectation management, whether those failures originate from the platform, from candidate descriptions, from The Funnel™, or from a general misreading of the spirit of this enterprise.

§7.8

General Weirdness Acceptance

You hereby accept that weirdness in all its forms (documented, undocumented, anticipated, and unanticipated) is a core feature of this platform. Complaints about weirdness will be filed under this clause and not acted upon.

§9.1

Dispute Resolution

Disputes will be resolved through: (a) binding arbitration, conducted by a panel we have yet to assemble; (b) non-binding confusion; or (c) a coin flip, the result of which may be appealed once, to a second coin flip.

Appendix G

The Funnel™ Clarifications, Allegedly

Appendix G exists to clarify The Funnel™. Upon review, Appendix G requires its own appendix, which is designated Appendix G(i). Appendix G(i) refers back to Appendix G. We consider this resolved.

Specifically: The Funnel™ is a metaphor. It is also not a metaphor. These two positions are held simultaneously and without contradiction, in the legal tradition of interpretive coexistence.

Appendix G spans 47 pages and 12 sub-appendices. A summary is not available. A summary of the summary is not available. A table of contents for Appendix G is itself contained within Appendix G.

Additional Provisions

These Terms may be updated at any time, with or without notice, for reasons we reserve the right not to disclose
Continued use of the platform following any change constitutes acceptance of that change, regardless of awareness
If any clause is found unenforceable, the remaining clauses continue in full effect, possibly stronger
The spirit of these Terms is as binding as the letter, except where the spirit is unclear, which is most places
Questions about these Terms should be directed to Contact, where they will be escalated or filed as appropriate

This document is satire. Nothing contained herein constitutes legal advice. If you are reading these Terms for legal purposes, please consult an actual lawyer, who will also find this confusing.